Saturday, June 18, 2011

Mixed emotions

      I wanted to post about how I have been feeling ever since my daughter and my son-in-law told me that they were moving to Alaska of all places. She tells me that it is her "dream" to live up there, but with the experiences I had in Alaska I can't help but to think that it is not the place for them. Yes it is a beautiful place to live, but it is also bitterly cold and isolated from family here in the lower 48. I can remember nights that I spent up crying because I missed my family so much, but couldn't do anything about it because of the price of tickets to visit. My mother-in-law told me also that she hatted it up there because of the distance to see her family. She probably would not remember it now. She was also sad because her family could not or would not come to visit her up there and she is afraid of flying.
     Alaska has its dark times months and in the summer it has a lot of sunshine. It is the winter months that are the hardest because it is dark, cold, and it seems to last half of the year. I can remember going to work at 8am and it was dark, I would get off of work at 3pm and it was dark. It seemed like I only saw the sunlight on the weekends and that can mess with your body and mind. A lot of people get what they call "cabin fever" up there in the winter time. It is a lot like depression that is the only way I can think of describing the feeling.
     I am glad that my daughter and son-in-law have the opportunity for this adventure in their lifetime. I wish them the best and love them very much. I wish I felt better about them moving to Alaska. Mixed emotions is what I, happiness for them during this time in their life. Anger, sadness for the loss that I feel. I wish that she could understand the love of a mother and the joys and sadness that go along with that. I know that she has a life to live, I just wish that it was closer to me. For now I will bury my face in my pillow and hide my tears and sorrows. Praying that one day they will join us wherever we decide to hang our hat, when we retire from the military. Until then I will just go with the motions trying to feel something but the emptiness that dwells inside this shell of a body. 

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Saying "Good bye" is the hardest thing...

     I had to say "Good bye" to my husband of 22 years earlier this year, to send him off to do his "job". We are still unsure of the date and time that he will return to us, I just keep his picture in my thoughts, prayers, and on my fridge to remind me everyday of what his smile looks like. You would have thought that after so long in the Air Force that I would get use to the good bye's, but they never get any easier for me or the kids.
     Talking about kids, I don't think you could really call our children that any more. Our oldest is 21, married and has a life of her own and is going on adventures of her own. Our two children that are at home are 17 and 12, so not really kids but young adults.. I can remember the time when they  were all so little and depended on us for everything and that helped the deployments seem to go a little faster. I dare not blink my eyes for long though, for the fear of an "empty nest" when I reopen them. So cherish your children today, because tomorrow comes much to soon!
     My oldest daughter and my son-in-law came to visit for a few days, you see they are moving from New York to Alaska. Quite a trip and an exciting journey for the two of them. I remember my first trip to Alaska, I hope theirs is as memorable. I am sad you see, cause I got to hold my girl in my arms again and had to turn around and say "Good bye" much to quickly. I wish I could hold her in my arms forever, but she has a life of her own now... that is really hard for me, not to see her every day.
     So hold your loved ones dear while you can, because there are always "good bye's" to be said...I like the hello's a lot better.