Saturday, June 18, 2011

Mixed emotions

      I wanted to post about how I have been feeling ever since my daughter and my son-in-law told me that they were moving to Alaska of all places. She tells me that it is her "dream" to live up there, but with the experiences I had in Alaska I can't help but to think that it is not the place for them. Yes it is a beautiful place to live, but it is also bitterly cold and isolated from family here in the lower 48. I can remember nights that I spent up crying because I missed my family so much, but couldn't do anything about it because of the price of tickets to visit. My mother-in-law told me also that she hatted it up there because of the distance to see her family. She probably would not remember it now. She was also sad because her family could not or would not come to visit her up there and she is afraid of flying.
     Alaska has its dark times months and in the summer it has a lot of sunshine. It is the winter months that are the hardest because it is dark, cold, and it seems to last half of the year. I can remember going to work at 8am and it was dark, I would get off of work at 3pm and it was dark. It seemed like I only saw the sunlight on the weekends and that can mess with your body and mind. A lot of people get what they call "cabin fever" up there in the winter time. It is a lot like depression that is the only way I can think of describing the feeling.
     I am glad that my daughter and son-in-law have the opportunity for this adventure in their lifetime. I wish them the best and love them very much. I wish I felt better about them moving to Alaska. Mixed emotions is what I, happiness for them during this time in their life. Anger, sadness for the loss that I feel. I wish that she could understand the love of a mother and the joys and sadness that go along with that. I know that she has a life to live, I just wish that it was closer to me. For now I will bury my face in my pillow and hide my tears and sorrows. Praying that one day they will join us wherever we decide to hang our hat, when we retire from the military. Until then I will just go with the motions trying to feel something but the emptiness that dwells inside this shell of a body. 

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